They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
