just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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