the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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