Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
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