I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
