If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
