my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
