I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize