I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
