Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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