Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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