Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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