No awkward lesbian experiences without me
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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