dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
