The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize