What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
