I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
PS: I just woke up from my shower
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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