Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize