thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
