I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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