She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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