My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize