The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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