We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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