There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just had sex on a roof
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
