Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
