I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
