So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
