I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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