i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
