Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
