if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
