even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Church boner. Awkwardddd
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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