god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
