I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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