I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
