i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize