if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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