My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
