That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize