There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
