So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
