I am puke
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
