"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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