U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
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