I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
