Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
