my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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