I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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