Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
