He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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