I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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