and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
