He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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