So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
