I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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