kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
