I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
