just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
