Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
