1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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